Funny Harry Potter script
by The Peace Moccassin
Summary: 5 misfitted class clowns make their way into the HP world via end of book 4


J.Asp: Look at the funny short dude running around the graveyard!   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Shhh! We do not call ppl "funny shorts dudes"!   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: But it's true.   
  
Da User: Shh! I think I hear somebody talking.   
  
J.Asp: Yeah! The voice is rather high and cold.   
  
Cold, high voice: Kill the spare!   
  
Funny short dude: Avada Kadavra!   
  
Bob da Gnome: Gesuntheit, dude!   
  
*Funny green light swirls around, a gasp is heard from the brush*   
  
J.Asp: Something fishy is going on....   
  
Bob da Gnome: *belches* Must've been dinner. Tuna always repeats itself with me.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *rolls her eyes* No Bob, she's talking about the peculiar ppl.   
  
*The short funny dude drags a kid with glasses and messed up hair towards a tombstone and then ties him down*   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: Um....I don't think I want to watch this. It might get kinky....   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Can't u see? It's a ritual. It has nothing to do with sex, u dunderhead!   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *gives a dumbfounded look* Um...I knew that..   
  
Da User: Sure...   
  
J.Asp: Now the funny short dude is carrying a funky snake dude doll to that cauldron thingie over there.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: As I told u before, we don't call ppl "funny short dudes"! And further more, we don't discuss things as "funky". Is that clear?   
  
J.Asp: Whatever.   
  
*The funky snake dude doll was dropped into the cauldron thingie*   
  
Funny short dude: *waves wand in the air and bones start flying from the tombstone that the kid's tied to* Bones of the father, unknowingly given, u shall renew thy son.   
  
*Bones enter the cauldron thingie*   
  
Woofie: *jumps out of nowhere* I smell bones! Where's the bones! *Pants*   
  
Bob da Gnome: Where'd he come from?   
  
Woofie: *jumps on Bob, licking his face* Woofie wuvs u!   
  
Bob da Gnome: ACK! Get it off me!   
  
J.Asp: *sniggers*   
  
Funny short dude: *raises a dagger to his wrist* Flesh of the servant, willingly given, u shall revive thy master. *Swings dagger through wrist, letting hand fall into cauldron thingie*   
  
Da User: Ewwww! Gross!   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: So that's where Thing came from on the Addams Family.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Shut up!   
  
*The anguished sounds of the funny short dude echoed through the night as the cauldron thingie started glowing red*   
  
*The funny short dude walked over to the kid tied to the tombstone*   
  
Funny short dude: Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, u shall resurrect thy foe. *Stabs kid in arm and collects blood to throw into cauldron thingie*   
  
Gang: *cock eyebrows in unison*   
  
Bob da Gnome: So who wants to order pizza and go to a movie? Say "I". I!   
  
J.Asp: I want to watch what happens to the funky snake doll dude.   
  
*A form rises out of the steam of the cauldron thingie, a very funky thin man seems to be what that form is*   
  
Funky thin man: Robe me, Wormtail.   
  
Funny short dude: *picks up black robes and dresses funky thin man one-handed, wimpering over his lost hand*   
  
Funky thin man: *is really funky for he looks whiter than a skull, with wide, livid scarlet eyes and a nose that was flat as a snake's with sliter for nostrils. Examines his body for a while*   
  
Da User: U would think he knew what his body was like. Some ppl are so basic!   
  
Funky thin man: *pulls out wand and sends funny short dude flying towards the tombstone beside the kid with glasses. Starts laughing mirthlessly*   
  
Funny short dude named Wormtail: My Lord...my Lord..you promised..you did promise..   
  
The Peace Moccassin: BTW. The next time we go on vacation, lets find a place like Bermuda, not an eerie graveyard...then we probably wouldn't have the problem of seeing sicko voodoo rituals.   
  
J.Asp: Whatever.   
  
Funky thin man: Hold out ur arm, Wormtail.   
  
Wormtail: Oh Master..thank u, Master.... *holds out bleeding stump*   
  
Funky thin man: The other arm, Wormtail.   
  
Wormtail: Master, please...please...   
  
Da User: This is really getting boring...I think I might take Bob's offer about that movie.   
  
J.Asp: Come on User...just a few more moments...it's bound to get more interesting..   
  
Da User: Awright..but if it fails to do so, I'm outta here.   
  
Wormtail: *holds out arm, a weird scar lit up in red glowing on it*   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: Kewl! Tattoos!   
  
Funky thin man: It's back, they will have noticed it...and now, we shall see..now we shall know...*presses finger to tattoo thingie. Tattoo thingie glows jet black. Looking cruelly satisfied, he looked back at the graveyard* How many will be brave enuff to return when they feel it? And how many will be foolish enuff to stay away? *Starts pacing impatiently, then smiling like the serpent he was at the kid tied to the tombstone* You stand, Harry Potter, upon the remains of my late father. A Muggle and a fool...much like ur dear mother. But they both had their uses, did they not? Ur mother died to defend u as a child...and I kill my father, and see how useful he had proved himself, in death...   
  
Funky thin man: *laughing again*   
  
Da User: Don't tell me he's gonna spout his life story to that kid! Oh the very torture! Agony, I tell u! Nobody deserves to have to sit and listen to a life story. Why do u think I burned the satellite dish for? B/c the Biography channel was the only channel I was getting, that's why! Stop the insanity! *Goes macro and runs into a tree, now lying unconcious on the grass*   
  
Funky thin man: *Looks up curiously in Da User's direction and dismisses the thought that there might be somebody else running through the graveyard* *tells Harry Potter his life story, just as Da User feared* But look, here comes my true family...   
  
*The air suddenly got full of swishing of cloaks. B/w graves, behind the yew tree, in every shadowy space, wizards were Apparating, all of them hooded and masked. They all moved forward cautiously and one by one*   
  
Bob da Gnome: Now we have one big happy, funky family reunion. It's such a Kodak moment...not!   
  
Dude we dubbed with the name Stacy for the time being: Master...Master...*kissing funky thin man's robes*   
  
*Every weirdo in the crowd did the same thing...*   
  
J.Asp: I wonder what would happen if we did that...   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Don't even think about it...   
  
Funky thin man: Welcome, Death Eaters. Thirteen years....thirteen years since last we met. Yet u answer my call as though it were yesterday...We are still united under the Dark Mark, then! Or are we? *Sniffed air* I smell guilt. There is the stench of guilt upon the air.   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *sniffs armpits* Ain't me...   
  
Funky thin man: *gives stupid speech, we all know its boring when ppl lecture so we skipped this part of the transcript*   
  
Another dude which we dubbed with the name Todd: Master! Master, forgive me! Forgive us all!   
  
Funky thin dude (Okay, I wish they'd let us know his name by now...his dubbed nickname is getting a bit too long to type each time! Let's just call him Loser for now): *laughing* Crucio!   
  
Todd: *writhed and shrieked*   
  
Loser: Get up Avery. (So much for the name Todd.) Stand up. You ask me for forgiveness? I do not forgive. I do not forget. Thirteen long years...I want thirteen years' repayment before I forgive u. Wormtail here had paid some of his debt already, have u not, Wormtail?   
  
Wormtail: *sobs*   
  
Loser: U returned to me not our of loyalty, but out of fear of ur old friends. U deserve this pain, Wormtail. U know that, don't u?   
  
Wormtail: Yes, Master..please, Master...please...   
  
Loser: Yet u helped me return to my body. Worthless and traitorous u are, u helped me...and Lord Voldemort rewards his helpers (NOW HE SAYS HIS NAME! UGH!) *waves wand and silvery thingie pops out and forms into the shape of a hand. Fixes hand on Wormtail's stub*   
  
Wormtail *stops sobbing* Thank u master! *Kisses Voldemort's cloak*   
  
Voldemort: May ur loyalty never waver again, Wormtail   
  
Wormtail: No, my Lord...never, my Lord...   
  
Bob da Gnome: This is cornier than a Barney episode!   
  
J.Asp: Naw..it couldn't b...Barney is so kiddish...this at least has some gore in it.   
  
Bob da Gnome: True dat!   
  
Voldemort: *passes a dude* Lucias, my slippery friend, I am told that u have not renounced the old ways, though to the world u present a respectable face. U are still ready to take the lead spot of Muggle-torture, I believe?   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Uh-oh! He did not just say Muggle torture, did he?   
  
J.Asp: That's what the man said...   
  
The Peace Moccassin: We're in deep! That means ppl like us...   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: We ain't Muggles no more, Peace. Look what I got! *Holds up a wand*   
  
*Peace, J.Asp, and Bob hold up wands too*   
  
Bob da Gnome: How's we do that?   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *shrugs shoulders*   
  
*They watch as the loonies bow down and kiss the loser, Voldemort's robes again after another stupid lecture*   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Don't they have ne dignity? It's revolting to see the finest names in wizard history act lower than house-elves!   
  
J.Asp: Yeah! What she said!   
  
Da User: *wakes up, singing* What's new, pussy cat? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! *Falls back asleep* But I want to ride the pony, mommy..   
  
Bob da Gnome: The very fact that the loser won't shut up. Man! He's long winded! Wake me up when he becomes phenomenally a Super-Saijon. Now that would b kewl. Not all this stuff on how he killed a couple of Potters, and lived to tell the tale. *Lays head on tree trunk and dozes off, starts snoring*   
  
Voldemort: Where is that noise coming from?   
  
J.Asp: I would have to guess from ur gastrointestinal system. Cause man! Is the wind ever putrid from ur direction!   
  
*The Death Eater dudes look in J.Asp's direction in shock*   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *holds up "w" shape in his hand and flips its down into an "m" Word to ur mother!   
  
J.Asp: *says in alien voice* Greetings Earthlings! We come in peace! Take us to ur leader..*holds up Vulcan sign*   
  
Voldemort: I'm their leader. *Gives a skeptical look*   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Now that we've established ur soveriegnity, may we ask that u keep quiet. We were trying to have our vacation time...   
  
J.Asp: Don't mind Peace, dude. She gets a little one-minded about things...   
  
Voldemort: Who are u?   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: None of ur beeswax, u old geezer!   
  
Voldemort: *holds up wand, points it at Tobias* Crucio!   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *falls to ground in extreme pain, and his head starts to spin. Is dizzy.* Thank u sir! May I have another?   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *looks at her wand w/ interest and lifts it up, facing Voldemort* Expellerimus!   
  
Voldmort: What the...*wand flies out of hand and lands by Da User*   
  
Da User: *wakes up groggily b/c wand hit her on head* Hey! *Looks at wand and picks it up*   
  
J.Asp: *starts skipping* We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz...*waves wand and a tree turns into a giant flower pot of daisies*   
  
*Death Eaters look at each w/ freaked out looks on their faces*   
  
Wormtail: *tries to sneak away*   
  
Da User: Where u going, buddy? We're gonna play a game of freeze tag. *Waves Voldemort's wand and ice sparks shoot out and hit Wormtail*   
  
*The two wands in Wormtail's possession fall to ground*   
  
Voldemort: Why I oughtta...   
  
The Peace Moccassin: U oughta what? Learn to breathe through ur nose?   
  
Voldemort: *scowls*   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: 2 for Peace! Nun for creepy old guy! Whoo-hoo!   
  
Bob da Gnome: *wakes up* What? What's going on? Did I miss X-files again?   
  
Voldemort: *cautiously speaks again* Who are u?   
  
J.Asp: *struts a little* Lord Voldemort! *Smiles @ what she said and winks*   
  
Voldemort: *walks up to J.Asp* Then who I am, praytell?   
  
J.Asp: *looks around mischieviously and stares at him straight in the eye* A cod fish! *Giggles incessantly*   
  
Avery: *shouts* A codfish? You mean to tell me we've been hoodwinked by a codfish?   
  
Voldemort: Don't get ahead of urself, Avery.   
  
Da User: Don't get too cocky urself, Mr. Thunderpants. I still got ur wand.   
  
Bob da Gnome: *picks up two wands on ground, hands one to kid tied to tombstone and cuts kid loose* Yo kid! Don't let me catch u running around graveyards again, alright? Creepy old perves like that funky thin man over there lurk around these here parts.   
  
Kid with messed up hair named Harry: Thanx for the advice! *Runs and grabs body of dead kid in brush and then grabs a cup and vanishes*   
  
J.Asp: Dude! Where'd HE go?   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: Don't ask me.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Perhaps he went to school where he belongs.   
  
J.Asp: Gud idea, Peace! Let's go to that Hogwarts place that the insignia on his cloak said.   
  
Da User: Here we go again.   
  
*They all disapparate from graveyard leaving Voldemort and Wormtail's wands, for Da User and Bob da Gnome had gotten knew ones just like J.Asp, Tobias, and Peace*   
  
*They all apparate in Diagon Alley*   
  
J.Asp: Sweet! It's a mall! Let's go to the food court! I got the munchies!   
  
*They step into some sort of sweet shop*   
  
Bob da Gnome: *sees a flyer advertising some sort of prank shop in another town* Whoa! Gotta go there some time   
  
The Peace Moccassin: You think I wanna put up with u in a prank shop? Get real!   
  
*Walk out of sweets shop with variety of strange candies and snacks*   
  
Da User: Ewww! This jellybean tastes like alka-seltzer!   
  
Bob da Gnome: Mine's not too bad...it's a grass flavored one.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *rolls her eyes at Bob*   
  
*They all go into a place with a fireplace*   
  
The Peace Moccassin: May we use ur fireplace to transport to Hogwarts? We're kind of needing to get back there....we're um...students who accidentally ended up here...   
  
Dude behind counter: Sure....*sneers at them as they use floo powder to get to Hogwarts*   
  
Every1: To Hogwarts!   
  
*Pop up in fireplace, room around them is cold and dark*   
  
J.Asp: Might as well light up the situation. Lumos! (How they know the spells is beyond me, I'm just the typist.)   
  
*They all walk out into the corridors, they overhear a conversation b/w a lot of adults, a boy, some dude under interrogation, and a squeaky voice, a lot like Bob's. We assume its a house-elf...*   
  
*conversation inside is crucial information towards finding out who the stupid Death Eater is that Voldemort thought was his faithful follower and had fulfilled the plan of bringing the pervert back to his body. Read ch. 35 of The Goblet of Fire to know what I'm talking about*   
  
J.Asp: *looking in door at guy w/ long black hair and billowing black robes* Cute guy alert! And I assume he's a teacher. I'd go to class everyday if I had him as my teacher.   
  
Da User: U go to class everyday ne way, remember? The Alliance forces u to do so.   
  
J.Asp: Well I'd go to class WILLINGLY everyday....*grins and blushes*   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: Must u talk about cute guys in front of me?   
  
J.Asp: Toby, I don't wanna hear u complain. Everytime some chick enters the room that isn't wearing some sort of nun habit, ur hooting and hollering.   
  
Bob da Gnome: Whoa! Look at the chick! *Points to house-elf* she's a babe!   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *rolls eyes again*   
  
Da User: *sniggers*   
  
J.Asp: *gets out guitar and starts playing and singing* Wake on my airplane..wake on my airplane....my skin is bare..my skin is theirs..   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *gets out bass guitar and plays*   
  
Da User, Bob da Gnome, The Peace Moccassin: *get out lighters and start waving them in the air*   
  
Old looking dude w/ moon shapes glasses: *turns around and looks suspiciously at the teenagers in the hall* Excuse me...may I help u?   
  
Da User: Um...yeah...could u point me to the restroom? I really need to use the john.   
  
Bob da Gnome: *sniggers*   
  
Older lady with stern look on face: Albus...I presume these to be new students...   
  
J.Asp and Tobias Montgomery Jinx: *drops guitars in shock* New students? Us?   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Do u think that could b arranged?   
  
J.Asp: Dude! I never thought my saying I wanted to be a student here would make it come true...   
  
Da User: I still need to go to the bathroom..remember?   
  
Old dude with moon shaped glasses: Oh yes! Minerva, escort this young lady to the restroom immediately.   
  
Older lady: But Albus! What about Mr. Crouch?   
  
Albus: Let me deal with him. This girl needs ur assistance a bit more don't u think?   
  
Minerva: *reaches out her hand to Da User* Come on dear. I'll show u where it is   
  
*Da User and Minerva walk away down the corridor*   
  
Dude with black hair: I guess I ought to escort u 4 to ur rooms, seeing as ur students here now. So how far would u think u'd b in ur education?   
  
The Peace Moccassin: The Alliance University has supplied with a very large curriculum in which we've studied at least up to a Ph. D.'s worth in classes.   
  
J.Asp: *flirtatiously* Would we end up having ur class...um...Mr.....   
  
Dude with black hair: That's Professor! Professor Snape. And unfortunately I have to teach u ur potions.   
  
J.Asp: *whispers to Peace* Oh he's so cute when he's angry...   
  
The Peace Moccassin: Shut up!   
  
Tobias Montgomery Jinx: Do we get to have Frat parties and concerts and stuff?   
  
Professor Snape: Um...I haven't a clue as to what ur saying.   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *rolls her eyes* Toby! They don't have Frat parties in Wizarding Schools. U dunderhead!   
  
Bob da Gnome: Well I guess that leaves out trying to get a co-ed dormitory.   
  
J.Asp: So..can I hold ur hand down the corridors, Professor Snape? I get afraid of the dark.   
  
Professor Snape: *reluctantly holds out hand*   
  
J.Asp: *happily puts her hand in his and sticks tongue out at Peace*   
  
The Peace Moccassin: *rolls her eyes*   
  
Bob da Gnome: *sniggers* 


End file.
